"Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me"

-- President Bush, May 27, 2004

January 2004. Mr. Bush wandered over during Mr. [Scot] Reid's [senior strategist to Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin] chat with the Prime Minister. Mr. Reid introduced himself and shook hands with Mr. Bush.

The President chuckled. "Well, you got a pretty face," he told the surprised Mr. Reid. He wasn't done. "You got a pretty face," he said again. "You're a good-looking guy. Better looking than my Scott anyway."

-- President Bush in a coquettish bout of eye-batting homosexual diplomatic flirting January 16, 2004 The Globe and Mail

We at Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals have BASHed enough so-called "gays" with the blunt love of Jesus to know how to spot deviants across a crowded sale at Saks. Outside of Italian shoes, nothing sends up a rainbow-colored flare that you are dealing with a flaming homosexual more reliably than when a man breathlessly gushes the word "faaabulous!" When a Christian lady hears this word outside of her hair salon or florist, she instinctively reaches for the Bible tracts in her purse because she knows a nancy boy is within throwing range.

Therefore, conservative Christians throughout the land have become increasingly uncomfortable as they dutifully mask each awkward pause with a flurry of polite applause and yells of "more wars!" during President Bush's somewhat laborious attempts at speaking. While Tony Blair may have mastered the Queen's English, our President's vocabulary calls to mind any number of queens' English. Even our least vigilant Repu blican social commandos have noticed that Mr. Bush has been peppering his otherwise delightful litany of patriotic jingoism and pleasantly embroidered CIA-intelligence recaps with the effeminate mating call "fabulous" -- three giddy syllables that are tantamount to coyly cooing, "Hello, sailor!"

Indeed, it appears that everyone our prancing President runs into is simply FAB-U-LOUS!

(Not one word in quotation marks has been changed from the official transcripts. To you hellbound doubting Thomases out there (you know who you are -- and so does Jesus), if you click on the quotation, it will bring up the page on official White House website that contains the speech in which the word "fabulous" was squealed with delight.)

Official Xanax spokesperson Laura Bush ("a fabulous First Lady");

His viper-tongued mother Barbara ("a fabulous mother");

Nimble prevaricator Condoleezza Rice (an "honest fabulous person")

Chuck Berry (who -- my stars! -- did prison time for surreptitiously filming women going to the toilet), Ray Charles, Marvin Gaye, Aretha Franklin, and Stevie Wonder ("a fabulous array of artists") -- so nice that our swishy leader had gotten over the public snub of Stevie not waving back at him!;

His whole Cabinet ("I put together a fabulous Cabinet");

House Speaker Denny Hastert & Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist ("It is a joy to work with these two fabulous Americans");

His whole administration ("I put together a fabulous team"):and

Perhaps most disconcertingly, the epitome of everything liberal (including jigger portions) Ted Kennedy ("Ted Kennedy is fabulous").

Everyone in our prissy President's acquaintance appears to be doing a "FAB-U-LOUS" job:

Again, his lovely wife Laura ("What a fabulous job she is doing");

His brother and collusive heir apparent Jeb ("He has done a fabulous job");

New York Governor Pataki ("who is doing a fabulous job");

Rudy Giuliani ("he's done a fabulous job");

Colin Powell ("he's doing a fabulous job");

Dick Cheney ("doing a fabulous job for America");

John Ascroft ("doing such a fabulous job");

Paul Wolfowitz ("doing a fabulous job");

Ari Fleischer ("done a fabulous job");

The DC Chief of Police ("you and your troops do a fabulous job"); and

Someone called Mel at Habitat for Humanity, the Jimmy Carter bastion of the lethal liberal lie that Christians should help the poor by giving them anything more than just Bible tracts ("doing a fabulous job").

And to our wildly flamboyant Commander in Chief, every organization or thing is simply "FAB-U-LOUS," girl!

The World Series ("And what a fabulous World Series it was");

Those quaint African-American people ("fabulous achievements");

Our Godly country ("America, a fabulous country");

The sound of the Washington National Cathedral Choir ("it is a fabulous way to begin a morning");

Forests, something only a liberal wouldn't strip mine ("they offer majestic beauty and fabulous recreational opportunities for all Americans to enjoy");

Afghan art, that is, that either we or the Taliban didn't destroy ("this fabulous exhibit");

Alaska ("such a fabulous state");

Being prayed for by strangers ("It's really one of the fabulous parts of the job")

The Philadelphia Boys Choir ("What fabulous music!");

The Democratic stronghold New York City ("the fabulous city called New York City");

Little League Baseball ("such a fabulous organization");

The US Military, showing a bit of a weakness for a gay niche fetish ("We've got fabulous men and women in uniform!"); and

Even the new 45 cent stamp ("fabulous!").