My Response To Rabbi Shmuley Boteach On His Guide To Sexuality

What transpires below is my response to a message from Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, author of the best seller, KOSHER SEX. This message is from his listserv.

TO:shmuley@chochma.demon.co.uk
October 5, 1995

SB>The Christians Guide to Sexuality

Mr. Shmuley, this title is inappropriate. What transpires below is your own exposition of what's wrong with sex in both Judiasm and Christinaity. In effect, it is what you are so "sick and tired of".

SB>I am sick and tired of religion and religious people painting sex as
SB>something neutral, at best, and something animalistic and in need of
SB>redemption, at worst. I am sick and tired of sex having to come along
SB>with thousands of religious caveats in order to be deemed acceptable.

Yes, who isn't tired of stuff like that? It's a drag.

SB>There are those religious Jews who believe that the only kind of
SB>kosher sex is sex in the missionary position, with the lights turned
SB>out, without any lewd conversation between husband and wife,
SB>specifically at a time that the woman is most fertile, with the
SB>husband and wife thinking about something pure and holy, like the
SB>face of a righteous man, just as they orgasm, with brief prayers
SB>recited just before and immediately after the sexual act. But I tell

No wonder that Jewish women become the butt of so many sexual jokes.
Question: What's Jewish foreplay?
Answer: A half hour of begging.
Question: What does a Jewish woman say when her husband is on top of her?
Answer: Sam, the ceiling needs a painting.

SB>you that these are all just measures of added piety. If a couple
SB>wishes to play by these rules, then I applaud them.

Huh? You APPLAUD them? You applaud what you are sick and tired of? You applaud this SHTUS from the SHULCHAN ARUCH that talks about "Modest Sex"? What's the definition of "modest sex" between a husband and wife? It doesn't exist. You think it's laudable? It's LAUGHABLE! I don't mean disrespect, but really Shmuley. You speak with forked tongue. You say that you are sick and tired of it but then you look over your shoulder and throw a bone to your right wing brethren. It just stinks.

SB>But I will tell you what really constitutes kosher sex. Kosher sex is
SB>when a man thinks about his wife and about her only as he makes love
SB>to her....

Now THIS may be laudable. But hey, who knows what people THINK when they are at it? I think really that there is absolutely no such thing as TREYF sex between a husband and wife, and modesty is not an issue when people are married. Yes, what you are advocating is called ROMANCE! Now ROMANCE is laudable in any type of sex, marital or otherwise. BUT remember this. This Puritanical culture has gotten things pretty mixed up. Love is love and sex is sex. They are both separate things. It's nice when married people feel love and integrate it into their sex, and vice versa. But when sex happens between consenting adults, love is not the absolutely necessary thing that guilty people say it is. I have made love to women that I loved and I have also had sex with women without love, just for the sheer enjoyment of it, and that's alright too. The problem with people who pontificate about sex like to make people wrong. I personally am sick and tired of people who make other people wrong about sex.

SB>... the plight of my Christian brothers and sisters who are led to
SB>believe that at most their sexuality is neutral, this especially since
SB>it is only the art of human sexuality which has the ability to make us
SB>cleave to our spouse, both before, during, and after the act.

Here is a crux of my complaint about pontificating about sex. Like most Jews, you seem to be under the delusion that the Jewish view of sex is superior to the Christian view. However, an honest individual has to admit that they are both the same. Both hold the same ideals of modesty, of "doing it in the dark", of not prolonging, of no sexy talk, of thinking of higher thoughts as one "does it" in order to make babies. What about alternative sex? No missionary position. Oral and anal. Same hangups in both religions. Same idea that the religious leaders somehow have the RIGHT to invade the marital bedroom (or any bedroom) and tell people what to do, what not to do, when to do it, with whom to do it. Come on, Shmuley! At least Christians aren't burdened with that ugly monthly MITSVAH, and Christian women are admonished by their leaders not to have headaches on their husbands. In Judaism, a woman can't even come out and ask the man she loves to give it to her. Come on! Just as Rabbi Hillel's Golden Rule is not superior to that of Jesus' (both say the same thing), so sex among the Jews is no more superior to that among the Christians. Both are limited and take away people's freedom to love without fear.

Listen Shmuley, I am just a dumb back-slidden AM-HA'ARERTS, but I give you permission to repost this on your LISTSERV. I am curious as to how people will respond.

Yours truly,
King Solomon

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As of July 17, 2003, there was no response from Rabbi Boteach so I am not sure that this ever wound up on his listserv.