IS VALENTINE'S DAY JEWISH?

By David Elcott and Shira Milgrom
Westchester Jewish Chronicle
February 2006


Big debates are currently all the rage in Jewish nursery schools and supplementary Jewish schools (not the day schools). Do we allow children to give valentines to each other? Do we forbid mention of the holiday, lest we conjure the ghost of Christian saints? Do we allow our children to participate in the exchange of valentines in their secular schools? How Christian is this holiday?

Whatever its Christian or pagan antecedents, Valentine's Day, in our experience, is no longer connected to anything religious. "That's exactly the point," claim others. "It's a Hallmark holiday. It's just about spending more money, buying more things. Besides, isn't loving someone something you should do every day of the year, not just on Valentine's Day?"
        
In some of our homes, this was the argument used about birthdays. "Every day is special; there is no need to celebrate on one particular day. What we will celebrate," our parents suggested, "will be your achievements. When you complete a book in Hebrew, we will have a book-finishing party."

Honoring achievement is virtuous, but has its downside. We are reminded of a story told by our friend, a prominent rabbi, whose son looked up at him and said: "Dad, why do you only hug me when I'm doing my homework? Why don't you hug me when I'm watching television?" What would it be like to celebrate just "being," not only "doing?"

We pride ourselves as a Jewish community not only on our significant
accomplishinents and contributions to virtually every area in the arts and sciences, but on our drive to make a difference in the world, a drive powered by Jewish visions of TIKKUN OLAM, the repair of the world.

And the God we believe in is a God who holds us accountable for our actions. We fundamentally believe that our actions make a difference, both positive and negative. We teach our children that each of them is gifted with a blessing - a way to give to the world - to do, to create, to contribute, to change, to ameliorate. It is not enough to be; we must also do. This is what we believe and what we teach.
        
But along the way to doing, we must also beableto"be."

In the book of Genesis, the story is told about Abraham sending Hagar and her son, Ishmael, out of his home into the desert. When they run out of water, Hagar puts Ishmael under a bush, so that she will not see her young son die. The Torah tells us that God hears the voice of the child, addlug, "ba-asher hu sham" ("where he is"). God doesn't just hear the cry of the child, but God hears the child "where he is."
        
Part of our Jewish understanding of God is a God who knows us "where we are," not only where we might some day be. Along the way to becoming, along the way to doing great things in the world, we also need to be accepted and loved "as we are."

The Jewish prayer book, the siddur, also reminds us that our God is a loving God. The prime time Jewish prayer, the Shema ("Hear 0 Israel, the Eternal is our God, the Eternal is One"), is framed by prayers of love. In the evening, we read "You have loved us, your people Israel, with an unending love," and in the morning we read, "With great love you have loved us."

These are anything but subtle. Funny, but if you were blindfolded, standing on a street corner, and heard someone saying, "God loves you," you would never think this voice was coming from a Jewish place. Jews don't talk or think that way, you would say. But this is a centrally Jewish message.

"You love us," the siddur calls out.

And so, perhaps, it is time for Jews to celebrate love - to celebrate that God's love fills the universe, and God's love can be manifest in the ways in which we love each other. Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev taught, "Whether a person really loves God can be determined by the love that person shares with others." Whether Valentine's Day is the best way to celebrate love - that's up for debate. But not that it's un-Jewish. Love is a very Jewish thing.

Rabbi Shira Milgrom is spiritual leader of Congregation Kol Ami in White Plains, NY. [Westchester County]
Dr David Elcott is US. director of the American Jewish Committee's interreligious affairs department. They have four children, one daughter-in-law, and live in WhitePlains. To comment, e-mail editor@wjchronicle.com.


Return To The Jewish Essays Index

Return To The Essay Index

Return To The Literary Index

Return To The Site Index Page

Email Shlomoh