The Tony And Shlomoh Show
The Taping of the 10th Episode - October 25, 2005

October 2005

The Taping of the 10th Episode

Written by -
Shlomoh Sherman and Tony Dadika

Tony: I'm Tony

Shlomoh: I'm Shlomoh. Hey Tony, what you got there in your hand?

Tony: I have some tickets for the Jewish holiday, ROSH HASHANNAH.

Shlomoh: And?

Tony: I'm selling them real cheap.

Shlomoh: Wait a minute. Didn't Larry David already do that?

Tony: Yeah, but he is a Jew scalping HASHANNAH tickets for this year. These tickets are for next year. Also he only was selling them to Jews. I am selling them to goyyim too.

Shlomoh: Interesting. So are they good for any type of temple?

Tony: Yeah. Reform. Orthodox. Mosque. Church.

Shlomoh: So you can use them in any religion's place.

Tony: Yeah.

Shlomoh: Where'd you get them?

Tony: Right off the Vatican press.

Shlomoh: Oh so the Pope's in on in too.

Tony: Yeah. I got to give him his cut.

Shlomoh: So maybe he thinks the messiah is coming next year.

Tony: Yeah. Right. The MESHIACH.

Shlomoh: [looks at Tony]

Shlomoh: Tony, we got some fan mail. Can I read some?

Tony: Yeah. Go ahead.

Dear Shlomoh and Tony,
You guys are so wonderful and sexy. Tony, I hope your penis is as fat as your belly. SHlomoh, I fantasize about your Big Star of David slapping against my ass. You guys are the sexiest old farts in USA. Perhaps we'll exercise together sometime.
Hugs and Kisses,
Richard Simmons

Hey T & S,
Recently, I've been pretty bored, until I earned privileges to watch TV and guess who I saw? You guys! Wow, you guys got some balls taking on some serious content such as religion, and ripping it apart. It helps me forget about the troubles that I have. It really lightens up my days. Perhaps you can make a skit poking fun at the media, the judicial system and all those big-mouth stockbrokers. Maybe you can make fun of Julia Childs and Emeril. Especially Emeril, I can't stand him.
Martha Stewart

Tony and Shlomoh,
You Niggas are pretty good. If you guys had been black, I would have put you on my show. Now I'm putting no one on my show.
Dave Chappelle

Hey Guys, Funny ass show. Can you make more skits making fun of Jews, gays and blacks?
Jack Knox (Grand Kleegle of the Klu Klux Klan)

Tony: Well I hate to tell you but we also got some hate mail. I'll read it after we introduce a reall funny comic, Joey Barronton. Hey Joey! You're on.

----- Joey does THE ARISTOCRATS -------

Tony: Jesus! He cracks me up.

Shlomoh: He's pretty good. Thanks Joey.

Tony: Yeah, thanks Joey.

Joey: Yeah! Fuck you two!

Shlomoh: Right! Well that reminds me. You have some hate mail to read. Go ahead.

Dear Shlomoh!
You little Jew bastard! How dare you talk about our lord? You people don't even believe in him.
Yours truly,
Mary Eichmann, secretary
FairLawn Office for Tolerance Teaching

Dear Tony!
You poor excuse for an ethnic Catholic. You are a shame to all us REAL Christians, making our little Jesus some kind of a mockey kike. Everyone knows he was Anglo-Saxon.
Joseph Smith, Grand Kleegel, KKK

Attention Tony And Shlomoh!
I don't understand how in OUR White Christian America, you guys are allowed on television. What's next on your show, spooks, spicks, and chinks? Now that our administration has been re-elected, we are going to be keeping a close eye on you two. Your tax records going back 30 years will be closely monitored.
Yours in Christ
John Ashcroft, Attorney General

Dear Tony and Shlomoh!
I don't know if you have heard yet. Bush has been re-elected by a wide margin. Can you guys tell me where I can buy a bunch of discount coat hangers cheap?
Desperate in New Jersey

Allah be praised!
Your television show is lulling the infidels' senses and I am pleased that you are part of my terrorist army. I see you are considering LeslieQ of Canada as a writer - nice going, he stinks! Even Bush will fall asleep watching his stupid skits. When the time comes, we shall strike.I will send you lots of semtex and nitro for your suicides. As for your afterlife, there are few virgins left, so we have to limit you to just one between you both, but we can't promise you that it will be a female.
God is great.
Your friend and leader,
Osama binLaden

Dear Tony and Shlomoh,
As a big fan of your piece of shit show, I would like to praise the lack of talent that both of you possess. As a matter of fact, you ignorant dickheads have no talent. The closest you guys will ever get to talent is if you look it up in the dictionary. The boring and worthless content of the show makes me laugh, which is why I'm a big fan of this horribly disgusting show. Let's face it, you guys don't belong on TV. The only value you guys have is when you become corpses. This way I can use your ugly asses on my show.
Die soon,
Alan Ball, creator of Six Feet Under

Dear Jerkoffs,
When I'm feeling sad, I just turn on your show and feel better immediately. It reminds me that my show at least is not the worst in the world.
All the fucking best,
Matt LeBlanc, star of "JOEY"

Hi Tony, Best wishes,
Sam Hitler

Hi Shlomoh,
I like your fat buddy Tony. Maybe he should blow his head off while he's at it. He's offensive and disgusting.
Jews should rule,
Ed Koch

Hey Guys,
Drew Carey here. How come you won't put me on your show? I'm fatter than Tony and cuter than Shlo. I could bring some credibility to your funny show. But no, you guys consider me and I quote "too clean-cut" for The Tony and Shlomoh Show. Well, you know what? Screw you fuckers. You ain't gonna succeed without me.
Hatefully yours,
Drew Carey

Shlomoh: Hey Tony. You hear about that guy that said if we abort all black babies the crime rate will go down.

Tony: Yeah. But what if we abort all Jewish babies?

Shlomoh: Well then, the country will dumb down.

Tony: Yeah, an show business will disappear.

Shlomoh: But what if we abort all Puerto Rican babies?

Tony: So who will fix my cars then? But what if we abort all gay babies?

Shlomoh: So who will buy all the Streisand and Judy Garland records? But what if we abort all Chinese babies?

Tony: So where will the Jews have dinner Sunday night? But what if we abort all Red dot head Indian babies?

Shlomoh: So who will answer the phone when I call AOL? And what will we do without 7/11s? But what if we abort all Irish babies

Tony: So we will have to close all the bars and liquor shops. But what if we abort all Korean babies?

Shlomoh: Who would keep the dog population down? But what if we abort all Italian babies?

Tony: So what will the fishes have to eat? But what if we abort all German babies?

Shlomoh: So who then can we count on to manufacture our showers and ovens?

Tony: Life really sucks.

Shlomoh: Speaking about sucking, Tony. I hear you people are gonna let gays become priests.

Tony: Yeah. But they have to not have swallowed for at least 3 years before we accept them.

Shlomoh: Oh so they won't be going to Purgatory.

Tony: Nah! OK. That's it for tonight. See you next time.

Shlomoh: IM YIRTSA HASHEM [God willing] Good night Tony

Tony: Good night Shlo. Any nuns out there with big hooters? Please contact the show.

Fade out.

Joey Barronton is an up and coming standup comic, and comedy writer.
See his bio on the Core Cast Page.

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