The Tony And Shlomoh Show
The Taping of the 3 Wise Guys Visit Virgin Mary 12/12/04


December 12,2004

The Taping of the 3 Wise Guys Visit Virgin Mary - Scarsdale, NY

This skit was taped in Scarsdale, New York at the home of Shlomoh's Lady Love, Judy Freedman.

Tony was camera man. Judy Freedman and Sefanie Dadika took these candid shots of the taping.

Thank goodness the weather cooperated.

The Cast:
Shmoh - John Aynedjian
Barry - Joey DeVito
Burly - Radimir Luza
Mary - Rebecca Jupiter
Joseph - Shlomoh Sherman

Written by -
Eileen Budd, John Aynedjian, Joey DeVito, Rad Luza, Shlomoh Sherman, and Tony Dadika

Due to air in late December, 2004 or early January, 2005

SHMOH: You idiot...we were following the star to where the Christ child was, and YOU hit my camel, and caused a seven-camel pileup on the Bethlehem expressway.

BURLY: I canít help it, I was so busy keeping my eye on the Star of Bethlehem that I got dizzy.

SHMOH: Ah, you were born dizzy! Good thing we just have to follow the star to find the Christ child, or weíd be lost. So whereís the Star of Bethlehem NOW, lame brain?

BURLY: Itís over there!

BARRY: No, itís over there!
SHMOH: You gefilte-fish-heads, youíre both wrong...itís over there!

BURLY: I donít see no stars...
BARRY: Me, neitherÖ

(Shmoh brings down the side of a fist onto the back of each wise guyís head Ė like a hammer - CLUNK! CLUNK!)

BARRY: OHHHH!!!!

BURLY: (Excited) Now I see stars...!

SHMOH: (Pushing them forward as they stumble drunkenly from their heads being banged together) Come on, you oyster brainsÖ

SHMOH: OK, here we are, this must be the Christ childís house, itís the only house with a star over it on Christmas Eve...the Bible says The Three Wise Guys are supposed to have Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh to present to the Christ Child.

SHMOH: BURLY, give me the gold.

BURLY: [Defiantly] Iíll give you the gold when Iím ready!!!

SHMOH: [Grabbing his lapel, and pulling back his clenched fist] Are you ready...?!!!
BURLY: [Suddenly casual] Sure...Iím ready...
SHMOH: Thatís better...letís see the gold.

BURLY: [Taking out a gold-colored gym membership card] Here it is, Shmoh!
SHMOH: [Incredulous] You lame brain, this is a membership card to Goldís Gym. He's a baby for Christ's sake. What's he gonna do with a gym membership?
BURLY: Yeah...well the Christ child can work on his abs...right, Shmoh?

(SHMOH turns to BARRY, who is facing away from SHMOH)
SHMOH: Hey..IDIOT!
BARRY: Yes, Shmoh?

SHMOH: What did YOU get the Christ Child?
BARRY: Brrrr!
SHMOH: Well unlike that other chowderhead, at least YOU got him what you were supposed to. But itís pronounced MYRRHH, not BURRRR.
BARRY: Myrrh? Whatís that? I said ďbrrrrĒ because Iím cold!

SHMOH: Why you...[Shmoh goes to slap him, but suddenly notices something]...HEY! Whatís that under the cloth in your hand?

BARRY: Thats the rest of my burrito left over from lunch.

SHMOH: Well, give it to me. [Facing BURLY] Iím so hungry I can eat a horse.
BURLY: [Alarmed] Well, donít look at ME when you say that...!

SHMOH: I said a horse, not a jack ass!

BARRY: Hey, Shmoh! Shmoh! You said you were hungry enough to eat a horse!
SHMOH: Yeah? So?
BARRY: A horse ain't KOSHER! It don't "split the hoof".

SHMOH: [Acting impressed] Oh ... a Torah scholar ...

[Changing his tone] I'll split your HEAD if you don't shut up ... Give me that burrito!

BARRY: But, Shmoh...[Magically producing a Hebrew-language Torah from out of his robe]...it's right here in dhe Torah... Leh-vit-ee-cus chapter eleven...if an ani-mule don't chew dhe cud and split dhe hooof! It ain't kosher.

SHMOH: Gee, my Hebrew is a little rusty, kid...what's this between the "Kaph" and the "Resh"? [pointing to Torah text with index finger]
BARRY: [Putting face close to Torah] Where?
[SHMOH withdraws his finger and slams Torah shut on Larry's nose]

SHMOH: There!
BARRY: [Holding his nose] Ohhh!
SHMOH: Awh, quit bellyaching...now that I've given you a Jewish nose, you can get into the Yeshivah School for free! Now, give me that Burrito!

SHMOH: Ok, you wise guys, we've got the "gold" and the "burr"...and I've got Frankincense.
BURLEY: What's that you brought, SHMOH?
SHMOH: Frankincense.
BVURLEY: Who's Frank?
BARRY: Yeah, and why is he incensed?


SHMOH: No, you idiots. Frankincense is a fragrant herb.
BARRY: His name is Herb? I thoought it was Frank.


BURLY: [afraid] Oh, no! I don't want to meet the Frankincense monster...he's big and scary and he has electrodes and he kills people...
SHMOH: That's the Frankenstein monster, you matzoh-ball head... I'm talking about Frankincense, a fragrant herb. And...[Tenderly patting BURLY on the cheek] you won't have to worry about "Frankincense" killing you...because I'll kill you first!

MARY: Who the heck are you, and what the heck do you want?
SHMOH: Oh, Virgin Mary! We are the three wise guys come to pay tribute to Jesus Christ. Please accept our humble gifts. By the way, we never got your last name, Mary [Shmoh coughs] ...what was it?
MARY: Wy-ckoff.

SHMOH: A little irritation in the throat, lady. Now, what was your last name, Mary [Shmoh coughs again]?
MARY: Wyckoff.
BURLY: Because he don't brush his teeth, lady.

MARY: You FOOLS! My name is Wyckoff, Mary Wyckoff!

SHMOH: Oh, Mary Wyckoff, we three wise guys have gifts to present to the Christ child.
MARY: [Brigtening] Gifts! Well, why didn't you say so? OK! Show your stuff!
BURLY: [stepping forward, presenting Gold's Gym card] Gold...s Gym!!!
MARY: But what's my kid supposed to do with a Gold's Gym membership? He ain't gonna be able to use this for at least 25 more years.
[She throws the gym membership card over to Joseph] Here Joe Babe! You can use this by the look of those love handles.
JOSEPH: Baruch Ata - Asher kidshanu bemitsvotav - borey peri ha gym card. Amen!

Mary indignantly waves her hand over the gifts.
MARY: Are you guys kidding me with this stuff? We're talking a king here. A baby king. Do these look like gifts befitting a king? You could've at least gotten him a nice YARMULKE! A Jewish boy can always use a YARMULKE.
BURLY: See? I told you guys, we shudda gone to Cosco's. But no! Do you guys ever listen to me?
MARY: Well...I guess it's the thought that counts.
SHMOH: HEY! Peace on earth!
MARY: [SMACKS SHMOH IN THE FACE WITH THE BURRITO IN SYNCH WITH EACH WORD]
Good...[SOUND EFFECT: Boink!]
Will...[SOUND EFFECT: Boink!]
Towards...[SOUND EFFECT: Boink!]
Men...[SOUND EFFECT: Boink!]
BURLY: HEY! NOW I know why they call your husband SAINT Joseph...
MARY: Yes...
BURLY: Because he has to put up with YOU... Whooh-Whooh-Whooh!
MARY: I'll annihilate you!
SHMOH: [beginning calmly] Hey, fellas, let's do something wise for a change...[panicking] let's GET OUTTA HERE!!!! Yaaa-aaa-aaaaah! A-whooh-whooh-whooh!
SHMOH: Happy Chanukah!
BURLY: Merry Christmas!
BARRY: Happy Kwanza!

FADE OUT

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