Shlo: I'm Shlomoh

Tony: Well Shlo, I see you never went through with your plan to became a woman.

Shlo: Oh no! I figured that would be an abomination to my lord and savior, Yeshua HaMeshiach.

Tony: What the fuck are you talking about?

Shlo: Oh I didn't tell you! I've become a completed Jew.

Tony: Completed? What does that mean? Did you paste your foreskin back on?

Shlo: Better that that. I've discovered Yeshua, Melech Yisrael.

Tony: Lucky I took 3 years of conversational Hebrew at FairLawn High. So you discovered Jesus, King of the Jews?

Shlo: Well, isn't he?

Tony: Well that's what the Church wants you to believe.

Shlo: Wait, you Catholics have the New Testament and that book tells you people that he came for the Jew first, and then for the goy. So maybe you knew something we didn't.

Tony: Yeah, we knew how to take a hard to follow Jewish sect and turn it into an easy religion.

Shlo: Now what the fuck are YOU talking about?

Tony: Look, doesn't the Jewish religion have all kinds of laws and rules? Like what you can and can't eat; who you can and can't fuck, and when?

Shlo: Yeah.So?

Tony: Well if Jesus is your king, that means he would enforce all that stuff.

Shlo: Yeah? So?

Tony: You think we goyim were gonna put up with all that stuff? We like getting laid anytime we want. And also, we Catholics get to go to confession and get absolved from all the good stuff we like to do.

Shlo: Tony, I hate to tell you but that sounds like Satan talking.

Tony: More crap the church wants you to believe. Do Jews really concentrate on Satan? Do you worry about what he's up to the way Christians do?

Shlo: No but you people, in your New Testament, say that he is a big deal.

Tony: Hold on. Let me quote you something Moisheviki, the secret disciple, said. I'm translating from the original Aramaic so I am going to read it word for word. OK, he said, "Then I, Seymour Moisheviki, saw the heavens open, and the lord said to me, Seymour! Satan ain't shit! But just between you and me, let's build him up. It's good for business.' Then the lord put his hand over his mouth and laughed. What a sense of humor the boss has."

Shlo: No shit! That's what Moisheviki said?

Tony: Would I lie to my little buddy?

Shlo: Guess not.

Tony: So you're a Jew for Jesus now?

Shlo: I am a Jew for him but WE call him YESHUA. That's because he is Mr. Jewy Jewman.

Tony: Sure he is. So are you a Jew for Mary Magdalene too?

Shlo: Sure I am. She was his bitch, right? She is our queen. Queen of the Jews.

Tony: Well Moisheviki said that he had good taste when it came to women.

Shlo: I think Moishvicki also said he might have been a little poofy.

Tony: Oh yeah. He had good taste in men too.

Shlo: But he never married any man.

Tony: Oh no. He couldn't have a kid with a man.

Shlo: Yeah. Didn't Moishevicki say he had a kid?

Tony: A couple, I think. Wait a sec. Lemmie call His Popiness.

[takes out phone - calls - Hello? Hello your popiness. This is Tony. Tony! From the Tony and Shlomoh Show! Yeah. So you liked the last episode of the show? Great! What's that? You're selling DVDs of our show? Great. Do you have to be Catholic to order them? No? Good. Guten Tag! Was machstu? Yeah, I took some German in Fairlawn High. Sorry to bother you. My buudy Shlomoh here has become a Jew for YESHUA. YESHUA! You mean to tell me you don't know who that is? You know, like - born is the King of Israel. Right.

Shlo: Tell him he became king of Israel in 1948 bcause before that there was no Israel.

Tony: Yeah 1948. Before that he was just king of Palestine. But wait a minute. I called to ask you something. Did Jesus have any kids with Magdalene. [nods to Shlo] Says he had a few.

Shlo: So what happened to them.

Tony: Shlo wants to know what happened to them. Uh huh. They came to America and became Mormons.

Shlo: Shut up?

Tony: Yeah. What's that, your popiness? Uh huh. He says to stop with that phoney Jews for Jesus crap and become a REAL Christian.

Shlo: Uh. OK. Lemmie think about it. Here - lemmie talk to him a second.

Tony: Hold on, popiness. I'm putting Shlo on.

Shlo: Hello! Holiness. Was machstu? Yeah I learned German. Where? In the ovens of course. Ha Ha! Just kidding. Hey, I'm surprised you didn't know YESHUA is JC. Yeah. Well now you know. Ok. Take it easy Mein Feurhrer. I mean your Holiness. Yeah. Ciao. Wanna say anything more to him.

Tony: Nah. Just hang up.

Shlo: OK. Good night, Holiness. Good night, Tony.

Tony: Good night, Shlo. Happy Rosh HaShannah. Shannah Tova. Whatever.

Shlo: Same to you, my Catholic brother. Good Yom Kippur. Have an easy fast.

Tony: OK. Cool! Good night. Shlo

Shlo: Oh wait! Wait! We forgot about the essay contest.

And tonight the winner, Ms Elizabethe June is here to read her essay.

Tony: She came here tonight?

Shlo: Yes, all the way from Brooklyn. Hey Brooklyn!

Tony: Yeah! Brooklyn! OK - have her read it.

Shlo: Here she comes. OK June. Go ahead. It's all yours.

June: This is my ambition. First I wish to attend Tuskegee College but I do not wish to be like Booker Washington or Doctor Carver. Then when I deem that my education is complete I wish to start off being a fine lawyer like the one who defended the Scottsboro Boys. I would only take cases for colored people against white people. Every day our people are made in every way and by every means to feel that they are inferior. This is not so. We are a Rising Race. And we cannot sweat beneath the white man burdens for long. We cannot always sow where others reap.

I want to be like Moses, who led the children of Israel from the land of the oppressors. I want to get up a Secret Organization of Colored Leaders and Scholars. All colored people will organize under the direction of these picked leaders and prepare for revolt. Other nations in the world who are interested in the plight of our race and who would like to see the United States divided would come to our aid. All colored people will organize and there will be a revolution, and at the close colored people will take all the territory east of the Mississippi and south of the Potomac. I shall set up a mighty country under the control of the Organization of Colored Leaders and Scholars. No white person will be allowed a passport Ä and if they get into the country they will have no legal rights.

I hate the whole white race and will work always so that the colored race can achieve revenge for all their sufferings. That is my ambition!

Fade out.

June's Essay Excerpted from - The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson Mccullers.
Elizabeth June is an actress, standup comic, and comedy writer.
See her bio on the Core Cast Page.