INTERVIEW WITH GOD
This skit was taped at Cablevision Studios, FairLawn,NJ on June 14, 2005
Written by -
Interview with God
Shlo: Oh hello there, God! How you doin'?
God: That's MISTER God to you! Remember that.
Tony: So. Mr. God. [smirks at Shlomoh] First thing. I need to ask you some harder questions we all want to know the answer to. For instance, Why are there so many wars that kill innocent people?
God: Look! I just create men. I take no responsibility when they act like assholes! I just drop `em on the earth. I can't help it if they grow up to be clueless. I give you people laws. If you go ahead amd break them, tough shit! Look at that Saddam Huessein idiot. He needed a couple o' slaps in the ass real bad. Sure, I could have given it to him but that's what Bush and Rumsfeld are for. They shoulda terminated that fool when they found him in that rabbit hole hidin' like a little girl sissy pants. I don't even want to talk about it. So don't make me mad. Next question.
Shlo: What about natural disasters like tsunamis? You could really stop them from happening if you wanted, couldn't you?
God: Look fool. I got better things to do than watch some damn ocean water. THE SOPRANOS was on that night. I told the angels not to disturb me. It was a new episode. Whatsa matter? You too stupid to understand these things? Just leave it be and quit your jibber jabber.
Tony: Okay, okay! You seem a bit touchy about things. We ain't trying to blame you for anything. We just want to know the answers to the things that make life so hard at times. Like why are there diseases?
God: Man, you people ask stupid questions. Friggin germs gotta live too, right? Besides! If there were no diseases, you'd think folks like bin Laden would leave this world on his own? Only 2 ways to get rid of that evil mutha. Get one of them cave rockets to track him down and blow his ass up OR have that damn dialysis machine break down. How the fuck do they plug that thing into a damn cave anyway?
Shlo: [smirks at Tony] Well God. I mean MISTER God; this is a really hard question. Tony and I don't understand it. Why did Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt break up?
God: Jesus, fool! Why do you think they broke up? Why did you two break up with your wives? What is it about "no felatio" that you don't understand? Don't be askin' me no more damn stupid questions or I just might smack you with my "Jerry Fallwell" lunchbox. Tony: OK. OK. Sorry. I got a question I really got to know. Is it true that Bush's IQ really borders on the mentally retarded?
God: [smirking] Let's just say I pity the fool.
Shlo: By the way, Mr God? Why are you wearing that bag over your head? Are you the Unknown God? [smiles at Tony].
Segment producer, Dave Broitman, acting as the camera guy, takes the video from Tony. Real camera guy working one of the 3 angle shots.
God: Hey stupid! You think I'm someone to smile about? You think I'm funny? Huh? Do I look like a clown to you?
Tony and Shlo: [shake their heads] Hell no!
Shlo: Uh - we mean - HEAVENS no.
God: Look fools. Isn't it written in my TORAH that no man shall see the face of God and live? So I cover my face so you two numbskulls don't croak.
Tony: So Your High-Ness! Is it possible for a WOMAN to see Your face and live?
God: Are you mocking me? I didn't come all the way here to FairLawn just to be goofed on. I have better things to do - like go to Scores for a lap dance. If ye mock me, I will remove the bag from my head and ye both shall perish in your foolery, and this cable show shall go down to the nether world.
Shlo: You mean to hell?
Tony: [turns to Shlo] Think we can pick up any talent down there?
Shlo: Nah. No one who swallows down there.
Tony: So you just mentioned the TORAH. So are you saying that Judaism is the only true religion? [looks at Shlo; Shlo shakes his head no while God says]
God: Fool! How can the Jewish religion be the only true religion when the Jews themselves say it's not. It's the only religion for the Jews.
[Shlo nods his head yes]
Tony: But what about the Jews for Jesus?
God: Those screwballs! Don't make me laugh. It's a scam, man. Even goyyim laugh at them
Tony: So is there a true religion?
God: Nah. They're all made up by men.
[Tony and Shlo smirk]
Shlo: So what was Jesus all about then?
God: He ran the local deli in town. Thought you guys knew that.
Shlo: So is he really the messiah?
God: No. He's the Christ.
Tony: What's the difference?
God: Messiah is for the Jews like it says in the Jewish Bible. Christ is for the goyyim like it says in the New Testament.
Tony: So was he married to Mary Magdalene or not?
God: No. They just went steady for a while. She helped out in the deli.
Shlo: [smiling] Really?
God: Yeah. She took the meat in the back.
[Tony and Shlo burst out laughing]
Tony: So why do you sound like a black man?
Shlo: Tony. He's the Almighty. Be respectful.
Tony: What? It's a good question. Doesn't he sound black to you?
God: OK. I lost a bet to Moses. Now I gotta sound black for 100 years.
Tony: Yankees, right!
God: No. Kerry. You guys didn't know that Moses is a closet Republican, did you?
[Shlo and Tony look at each other and shake their heads in disbelief]
Tony: [to Shlo] I thought you people were Democrats.
Shlo: So of all the things you've created. What's your favorite?
Tony: [smirks; to Shlo] Probably women.
Tony: Big hootered women.
God: [pointing at Tony] I like this guy.
Shlo: You like him? I'm the one that studies your teachings. And I never read anything about big boobed women.
God: Well you gotta learn how to read between the lines.
Shlo: Ok. Let me ask you a question that's making a lot of news in America now. What's true? Creationism or evolution?
God: Can you believe there are assholes that actually believe that you can have a day without having a sun? Creationists believe the day was created on the first day and the sun was created a few days later. Schmucks. And listen. You think I could get all the material together in just six days. Don't make me laugh! It took at least a billion years just to get good dirt out of which to make man - not to mention another billion to get some bone to make woman.
Tony: So it took a really long time then. So you are saying that creationism is a bunch of shit.
God: Enough to fill a latrine. By the way, after I created woman, she went off and took a swim in the ocean. Damn! After that, I never could get that smell out of any of the fishes.
[Tony laughs to himself]
Shlo: By the way, Mr God. Is masturbation really a sin?
God: Fool. If I didn't want you people playing with yourselves, would I have made your arms so long?
Shlo: OK. Well let me just ask you an opinion. What did you think about the controversial movie "Passion of the Christ."
God: Not enough hooters.
Tony: That's what I said.
Shlo: [turns to Tony and smiles and gives thumbs up sign]
Tony: Hey, Mr. God! You wanna grab a beer and check out a new strip club? Or are you married to Scores?
God: Oh! A new one might be interesting. If you drive I'll buy. I hate traffic.
Tony: Can't you do anyhing about that?
God: I invented traffic to give man time to reflect.
Tony: Reflect on what?
God: How shitty his life is.
God: Hey, know what? Some Israeli archeologists dug up an ancient Massage Parlor that Pharaoh had the Jews build. You remember? You guys even mentioned it in your ten commandments skit. Let's go there. I can use a good massage from a hot Oriental broad. Who knows? I just might decide to have a yellow son this time.
Shlo: Oh come on, dude! We don't even believe you ever even had a Jewish one!
God: What? You dare? I warned you two not to piss me off. Now you asked for it.
[As God begins to pull the bag off his head, the camera shifts to Tony and Shlomoh burning up and screaming]
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