The Unrecorded Tony and Shlomoh Episode
Friday, July 10, 2009 10:37 AM
SHLO: Tony, did you know that Mary Magdalene was Jesus' girlfriend?
TONY: I think they might have been married.
SHLO: Oh! I thought they were just going steady. Didn't Jesus pin her?
TONY: He took her to the prom.
SHLO: They had proms back in those days?
TONY: Who do you think came up with the idea of proms?
SHLO: I don't know.
TONY: You people.
SHLO: What? We thought of that?
TONY: How many times do I have to tell you that when there is a good idea or invention, you people come up with it.
SHLO: Are you sure?
TONY: Shlo, what's the matter with you? Don't you remember the VCR?
SHLO: Oh yeah. I think you said we invneted them. I find that hard to believe.
TONY: Shlo. What was the first VCR?
SHLO: The Beta Max.
TONY: Yeah. Well don't you know that the Beta Max was invented by a guy named Max?
TONY: Yeah. Only his name wasn't really Max. It was Moish. In fact, Sony wanted to call it the Beta Moish.
SHLO: So what happened?
TONY: Well Sony got worried that goyyim wouldn't buy the fucking thing if it had a Jewish name. So they gave it the name Max.
SHLO: No kidding? How do you know all this stuff?
TONY: Shlo. you never knew this but back in Fairlawn High, I took a course called Hidden Jewish History.
SHLO: I went to Fairlawn High the same time you did. I never heard of that course.
TONY: No, you didn't. It was only offered to gentiles.
SHLO: Why is that?
TONY: Shlo, that course told all about stuff you people don't want exposed.
SHLO: Like what?
TONY: Like the Protocals of the Elders of Israel.
SHLO: What? You people know about that?
TONY: Know about it? We invented it.
SHLO: Goyim invented the Protocals of the Elders of Israel?
TONY: Sure. Do you think that if you people invented it, it would be so fucking ridiculous?
SHLO: I guess. But didn't anyone in Fairlawn protest?
TONY: Look. Back then was before the homo liberals took over. Remember the outrageous shit we got away with?
SHLO: Oh yeah. I rmember that all the minorities knew their place and shut the fuck up.
TONY: Right. Well there WAS this one parent who was going to complain to the newspapers.
SHLO: I never hard about that.
TONY: No, you didn't. See? The Pope calls the local Fairlawn Cosa Nostra.
SHLO: We had a Cosa Nostra in Fairlawn?
TONY: Shit yeah. All us Catholics knew about it but the priests would tell us, Shut the fuck up, boys. If you tell anybody about the local Cosa Nostra, we won't jerk you off any more.
SHLO: Did that work?
TONY: Like a charm.
SHLO: Cool. So what happened when the Pope called?
TONY: The Pope tells the head mafioso, "Looka here. You makea sure data parent shutupa his mout. Tell him shuta da fuck up."
SHLO: No shit! The Pope said that?
TONY: Well words like that.
SHLO: Then what happened?
TONY: Next thing you know, the parent sleeps with the fishes.
SHLO: Uh oh. Anyone esle ever try to complain?
TONY: Are you kidding? Who would complain? You Jews didn't suspect a thing, and the goyim were ok with it. They liked what their kids were learning. Fairlawn was years ahead of the rest of New Jersey.
SHLO: So what about the Protocals of the Elders of Israel?
TONY: Well here is the plan they came up with to make the Jews rule the world.
SHLO: I am all ears.
TONY: And all nose.
SHLO: Oh, you know how to hurt a guy.
TONY: All in a day's work. Anyway, here is what they came up with. First the Jews had to invent cable TV.
SHLO: Oh shit. Don't tell me we invented cable?
TONY: Yeah you did. Want proof? When cable first came out, who had one of the first shows on it?
TONY: Al Goldstein.
SHLO: Oh yeah. I remember.
TONY: You don't get more Jewish than that.
SHLO: Right. So then what?
TONY: So the Protocals said, first invent cable tv. Then we get two guys, a Jew and an Italian Catholic to have a show in which they make fun of everything sacred.
SHLO: Like politics and religion?
SHLO: Does the show start in Fairlawn?
TONY: You got it.
SHLO: And then it spreads out all over America?
TONY: No, all over the world including Afghanistan and Iraq.
SHLO: Oh, to the troops?
TONY: Yeah, and the troops show it to the towel heads, and everybody has a good laugh and they let down their guard.
SHLO: And then the Jews take over the world?
TONY: Sure, after these two soul-less guys are finished trashing all of civilization, no one has energy left to fight back.
SHLO: And these two guys do all that? That's the whole Protocal plan?
TONY: That's it. It just takes two guys from Fairlawn to bring down the world and hand it over to the Jews.
SHLO: Damn! Now that's clever. Kudos to whoever came up with it.
TONY: Know why it didn't work?
SHLO: Not sure.
TONY: The show came to an end.
SHLO: Why is that?
TONY: Why? Who do you think controls the media?
SHLO: Oh no!
TONY: Look, the Pope controls almost everything in the world except show business. And the people who control the media told these two guys to take a hike.
SHLO: So these two guys never got a chance to tell people that Jesus and Mary went to the prom.
TONY: And the reason for that was that if people knew that they went to the prom, people would ask what happened when they graduated. And you KNOW what happened. Jesus needed a job after he graduated.
SHLO: Oh yeah. So he opened a delicatessen in Nazareth.
TONY: And kept the cheese in the same place with the meat, leading to his crucifixion.
SHLO: And Mary took the meat in the back. Now I remember.
TONY: Right. So that's what happened.
SHLO: I gotta hand it to you, Tony. You know a lot of interesting shit.
TONY: That's because I didn't waste my time in high school. Remember I took courses in ancient langauages that allowed me to make sure the stories were true. I read the original scrolls.
SHLO: I don't understand how you were able to do all those courses and still graduate in four years along with the rest of us.
TONY: The Pope called the principal.
SHLO: And said .... ?
TONY: Listen you stupida schmuck.
SHLO: The Pope speaks Yiddish?
TONY: Yeah, he took 5 years of it at Fairlawn High.
SHLO: Oh. He gets around.
TONY: He said, listen schmuck, you makea sure data Tony get outa you school in 4 years or da school sleep with the fishes.
TONY: The principal had to suck Vatican dick.
SHLO: Too bad it wasn't circumcized.
TONY: Good night, Shlo.
SHLO: Good night, Tony.