Tony: No, I didn't need to. I read the Moisheviki Code.

Shlo: Moisheviki Code? What's that?

Tony: The Davinci Code is actually based on a much older document that Israeli archeologists found hidden under the Temple in Jerusalem, called the Moisheviki Code.

Shlo: No kidding!

Tony: Lucky thing I took 3 years of Aramaic in Fair Lawn High School. It was a bitch translating over a thousand pages!

Shlo: Wow! That sure is lucky for us.

Tony: Right! This older code specifies that Mary Magdalene had massive hooters. And a lot of miracles happened because of her big hooters.

Shlo: Is that right? Tony: Yeah. That's how Jesus got resurrected. Shlo: How is that? Tony: Well, when she came in to the tomb to check on him, one of her nipples brushed against his mouth ... and he twitched! So she smacked his ears with her tits and his eyes popped open! Shlo: So that's why he came out of the tomb with a big smile? Tony: Yeah! Shlo: You're putting me on!

Tony: OK. Don't take my word for it. It's right here in the Moisheviki Code. Check it out. 5 down and 15 across.

Shlo: I'll be damned! Where did this book actually come from?

Tony: Some Arab found the scroll under a toilet seat buried in the sand in Israel. What's the matter? Don't you read the newspapers?

Shlo: Yeah. But I think I missed that one. So they already turned the scroll into this book?

Tony: Yeah. It's on the best seller list. I tracked it down on Google under "Big Hooters"!

Shlo: No kidding? So did Dan Brown do his major research using the Moisheviki Code?

Tony: Yeah. But he couldn't use Moisheviki's name - so he called his book the Davinci Code because it turns out - Davinci himself was a member of the Moisheviki Society which the Church drove underground.

Shlo: Did Moisheviki really say that Mary Magdalene banged Jesus?

Tony: Yeah. But that wasn't the worst of it.

Shlo: What do you mean?

Tony: Well you ever wonder what made you people kill Christ?

Shlo: Sure. I've thought about it a lot. I mean, which one of us hasn't? I could never figure it out. I always thought he was a cool dude. You know, like changing wine into water, a regular Gunga Din.

Tony: [smirks] I think it was the other way around.

Shlo: So why did we kill him?

Tony: Well it turns out that your 'cool dude' ran a delicatessen in Nazareth.

Shlo: No kidding?

Tony: And what pissed the people off was that it wasn't a KOSHER delicatessen. It's right here. [points to page in book]

Shlo: Excuse me. Let me see that. [takes book from Tony and reads] Holy Moses! It says here, 3 across, 5 down, that he sold pig!

Tony: Yeah! And he kept the pig in the same case with the cheeses. Shlo: Oh Jesus! Tony: No! Cheeses! Shlo: So did Mary Magdalene also work in the deli? Tony: Yeah. She took the meat in the back. Shlo: Really? Are you putting me on? Tony: I'm telling ya. It's right here in the Code. Moish explains it all; look here [flips page and points] page 57, 12 down, 3 across. And another thing.

Shlo: What's that? Tony: I think the guy was a little light in his sandals. Shlo: What do you mean? Tony: Well didn't he say, 'This is my body. Eat me!' Shlo: Uh. I don't think that means he was crouching in the closet. Tony: Seems suspicious to me. Shlo: Well remember, he had Mary Magdalene. Tony: Probably was his beard.

Shlo: A fag hag? No, Not MM! Anyway, look at it this way. If the boy was really a little - uh - poofy - you people would be taking a sausage for communion instead of the cookie.

Tony: Yeah, right! And we'd be swallowing the goat cheese juice instead of the wine.

Shlo: Well then, you'd all wind up in Purgatory!

Tony: Well the Moish Code says he might have been AC/DC.

Shlo: Where's that?

Tony: [flipping pages then pointing] Ah here it is; page 109, 38 down, 25 across.

Shlo: [peers over] Oh yeah! Wait a minute. What does this say here?

Tony: Where?

Shlo: Down here at the bottom of the page, 500 down, 6 across. See here? It says the guy's name really wasn't Jesus Christ. Is that right?

Tony: Hell! Does Jesus Christ sound like a Jewish name to you?

Shlo: No, but that's what you people have always called him.

Tony: Yeah but didn't you ever hear that the Mormons' Bible says that Jesus came to America?

Shlo: Yeah. I heard about that but I didn't understand it. Tony: Well look ... read this here. [points to page] Shlo: [reading] "When the child was born, the 3 Wise Guys asked Mary and Joseph what the his name was to be. And staring up at heaven, she answered, 'Mayn husband vants de boy named efter his zeydie.' Moe, the first Wise Guy said, 'His what?' 'His granddad', she explained. 'What was HIS name?' asked Larry, the second Wise Guy. 'Irving' she said. 'Oh' said Shemp, the third Wise Guy, 'so his name is gonna be Irving Kreistenberg.' 'Yes' said Joseph, our family name IS Kreistenberg.' Wow! That's interesting. They don't tell you that in school. Tony: Yeah, so when Herod started looking for the kid, his parents ran out of Israel and went to America. Shlo: Oh! Just like it says in the Mormon Book.

Tony: Right. Just like it says here. [reading] So they took the boy and went to America. When they got to New York, they moved into a bad neighborhood. So Joseph said to his wife, the Virgin, 'Mary, ve cen't send de boy to school vit de name Irving. Dat vas ok beck in de old country. But here in America, in DIS neighborhood, ve heve to change his name.' Whereupon Mary said, "Vell I tink vun of my zeydie's vas a Spanish Jew. Let's give de kid a Puerto Rican name. I know. Let's call him Jesus.' 'Right' said Joseph, and just to be on de safe side, let's not heve too much of a Jewish name ourselves. Kreistenberg is a dead giveavay.' 'So vat should ve change our name to?' Mary asked. So Joseph said, 'Let's shorten it to Kreist. And so it came to pass that when the boy went to school the first day, the teacher spelled it with CH instead of a K.

Shlo: So you mean that's how his name became Jesus Christ?

Tony: Right. Moisheviki never gets his facts screwed up.

Shlo: So what happened when he went back to Israel?

Tony: He didn't bother to change his name back. His donkey drivers license and all his shekel cards already said Jesus Christ. To change it back ... Well you know what a pain in the ass it can be dealing with those civil servants.

Shlo: This is all very enlightening. No one told me this when I was a kid.

Tony: There's a lot of things they don't tell you, Shlo. For instance, did you know that when Jesus was on the cross, the Romans made him drink vinegar? Shlo: No way! Tony: Yeah: It was balsamic vinegar. Shlo. Really? Did they give him a salad with that?

Tony: You remember how skinny Jesus was? Shlo: Sure. Tony: Well it says right here that he was on Atkins. Shlo: But what about all the loaves and fishes? Tony: Ah, he only ate the fishes. Shlo: Well I heard that Jesus once said that man should not live by bread alone.

Tony: Nah! That's what the CHURCH wants you to believe he said. Look here, Moisheviki says what he REALLY said was, Man should not live by bread, PERIOD!

Shlo: Oh, then I could never become a Christian.

Tony: Why's that?

Shlo: Because I just love pizza.

Tony: I didn't know Jews like Italian food.

Shlo: Oh yeah, big time. Italian food and Italian women.

Tony: Can't say I blame you.

Shlo: Oh look at this. Moisheviki says that down in the Vatican basement, they got the head of John the Baptist. Tony: Yeah. They keep it right next to the foreskin of Jesus. Shlo: They got that down there too? Tony: Yeah. Pope only charges a few sheckels to see it. Shlo: Oh yeah! So how come the Davinci Code doesn't mention any of this?

Tony: It did - in the original manuscript.

Shlo: Yes? So? Tony: So Dan Brown gets this call, see? It's from the Vatican. There's a guy on the other end of the line making Dan an offer he can't refuse, if you get my drift. Shlo: You mean ....? Tony: Yeah. You don't screw with those people. If the Pope says get rid of that material, believe me - the material sleeps with the fishes ... or else!

Shlo: Wow! Too bad our rabbis don't have such power. But what did the Pope object to? Tony: Well all that talk about delicatessen and meat reminded him about the kind of meat that a priest eats on Friday. Shlo: What kind of meat does a priest eat on Friday? Tony: Nun. Shlo: None? I thought they ate meat. Tony: They eat Nun! Shlo: But what kind of meat? Tony: NUN! Shlo: You said they eat meat. Tony: yeah. Nun! Shlo: They didn't eat meat? Tony: NUN! Shlo: Right! Tony: No, Nun! Shlo: What kind of meat? Tony: I told you. Nun! Shlo: Right. They didn't eat meat. Tony: Ahhhhhhh! [starts pulling his gun out of his pocket but it sticks in his pants. Shlo: OK. Skip it.

Tony: Look! In spite of everything, Shlo. You are STILL my 3rd most favorite Jew. Shlo: Oh yeah? Who are the first two? Tony: [seriously] Julius and Ethel, of course. Shlo: [smirking] Good night, Tony. Tony: Good night, Shlo. FADE OUT