The Tony And Shlomoh Show
Written by Dave Broitman, based on an idea by Shlomoh Sherman

This Skit was taped May 4, 2005 at Cablevision studios, and will be aired early summer.

[HEATHER SUNLIGHT, a perky blonde host, starts off the show with two guests to each side of her, a lean RABBI MOISHE to her right and a bulky FATHER O'REILLY to her left]

HEATHER: Hi, I'm Heather Sunlight and welcome to "Religion In Your Face." We have two special guests who will enlighten us on their respective religious views on various taboo topics of sexuality.

[Light applause]

HEATHER: To my right, we have Rabbi Moishe from Brooklyn, and to my left, we have Father O'Reilly from Queens, New York.

[Light applause as we see only one person in the audience]

HEATHER: Our first topic: contraception. Let's start with--

[The Rabbi cuts her off]

RABBI: The diaphragm is the method we're allowed to use.

HEATHER: Oh, I was going to start with Father O'Reilly but I guess...

RABBI: The diaphragm helps protect against pregnancy.

FATHER: We don't believe in using any kind of contraceptives.

RABBI: That's unreasonable. What if there's a case of rape, would you let your daughter have the child?

FATHER: I don't have a daughter.

[The Priest smiles. The Rabbi shoots a sarcastic smile back at the Priest]

HEATHER: We'll get to abortion in a few minutes.

RABBI: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to jump ahead.

FATHER: We don't use any contraception. Period.

RABBI: You don't need contraception during the period?

FATHER: I meant period. As in end of discussion. Next topic please.

RABBI: Forgive me for misunderstanding, but you Catholics have no sense of humor.

FATHER: That's the first time I've heard a Rabbi confess to a Priest.

[They share a light chuckle]

HEATHER: Father, would you care to elaborate on contraception?

FATHER: If you insist. [beat] I don't understand the why the Jews think it's okay to use a diaphragm, yet they abstain from sexual contact during menstruation? That's very contradictory.

RABBI: How can you slam abstinence during menstruation? First of all, it's disgusting to do it while the female is dripping with blood. It's nauseating. It's enough to make me puke up my bagels and lox.

HEATHER: I think the viewers get the picture, Rabbi. I certainly do.

FATHER: In all fairness, the rhythm method is similar to your practice of abstinence during menstruation, in terms of concept. However, how can you be say sex during menstruation is disgusting if you guys shove a diaphragm up a woman's vagina?

HEATHER: Oh my GOD! [beat] Well, thank you Father. I think that covers the contraception issue.

FATHER: If I may, I would like to point out one more thing.

HEATHER: Oh, um...

FATHER: Thank you. Rabbi, let's face it, God knows why your Jewish girls use a diaphragm. You guys are just trying to use a loophole around the system. Why can't you be firm and committed to no contraception? That's clearly a major weakness.

RABBI: We're discussing sex, not who has the better religion. It's like arguing who has the bigger penis. You know what I mean Father Tiny?

FATHER: Obviously we have the bigger penises. You guys cut half of your thing off. Heather cups hand on mouth in embarrassment.

RABBI: At least we have the BALLS to give up our foreskin to GOD.

FATHER: What do you think GOD does with the foreskin? He probably feeds it to the souls in hell.

RABBI: How dare you?

FATHER: Come to think of it... you guys should own foreclosure places.

RABBI: Those places don't remove foreskin. They just evict gentiles who don't pay their mortgages, asshole.

FATHER: It was a joke, Rabbi.

[The Rabbi's a bit irritated]

HEATHER: Oh, okay, let's move on to abortion. Rabbi, let's start with you. How do you feel about abortion?

RABBI: It depends. It's a case by case basis. If the mom's life would be threatened by the birth of her unborn child, then that may be a good reason to get an abortion or if the baby looks anything like the father, then that's an even better reason.

FATHER: Rabbi, with all due respect, how do you guys decide whose life is worth more? The woman's or the fetus'? How can anyone be allowed to make that decision? Nobody is GOD but GOD himself.

RABBI: See, you guys are too strict. If someone raped your daughter, wouldn't you favor abortion in that case?

FATHER: Again, I don't have a daughter.

[The Father smirks]

RABBI: That's a good thing. That's one less girl that would be molested.

[The Priest shoots him a dirty look]

RABBI: It was a joke, Father.

[The Priest stares him down]

HEATHER: The Rabbi was just kidding. Please gentlemen, let's keep this on the light side.

RABBI: Yes, I was just kidding. I know Priests generally prefer boys.

FATHER: How dare you?

RABBI: Come to think of it, I'm sure all of that stuff in the news is true. You've been spending entirely too much time hanging out in the playground and it's not a pretty sight.

HEATHER: Well, Father, how do you feel about abortion?

[The Priest takes a moment to reduce his anger towards the Rabbi]

FATHER: No abortion whatsoever. We can't play the part of GOD, but GOD himself.

RABBI: What if your daughter, let me rephrase that, what if someone's daughter was raped by a... well, you know, a shvartze, would you still be against the abortion?

FATHER: I don't care if it's a spic, a colored, a wop or a one-eyed chink. No abortion.

HEATHER: I wonder how you would feel if the rapist was a Wasp?

[Heather catches herself]

HEATHER: Oh, oops, sorry. Let's move on to a more taboo subject. Um...

[Heather, a bit uncomfortable, moves her hand up and down slightly, trying to indicate masturbation]

FATHER: Spanking the monkey.

RABBI: Choking the chicken.

HEATHER: Yes, masturbation. I know it's a touchy subject. Hee, hee.

RABBI: Oh yeah, it's definitely touchy.

FATHER: For you, maybe.

RABBI: Don't even go there. You're going to tell me you never pulled your plug?


RABBI: Oh, that's right. You pull little Johnny's plug instead.

FATHER: That's the second time you've accused us of pedophilia.

RABBI: I thought it was the third time, no?

HEATHER: Please simmer down boys... Father, what is the view on... well, masturbation, from a Catholic standpoint?

FATHER: It's a sin of onanism.

HEATHER: Onanism? What's that?

FATHER: To put it simply, it's a form of sinful self-gratification.

RABBI: But you guys can yank your crank till it bleeds and confess and everything is okay, that's why Christianity is such bullshit.

FATHER: Where do you come off saying something horrendous like that? You Jew bastards don't have a solid commitment on any issue. Abortion: "well, it depends." Contraception: "well, there's an exception." You people don't stand firm on anything which makes you a bunch of hypocrites. That's why so many people hate you.

RABBI: Father, is it possible that you've been nipping at the communion wine?

[The Rabbi stands up as does the Priest]

HEATHER: Security! Help, SECURITY.

[Priest calms down, as does the Rabbi, though no Security shows up]

HEATHER: Come on boys, simmer down... Rabbi, what is your view on masturbation?

[The Rabbi sits back down, as does the Priest]

RABBI: We consider it sinful, but it feels oh so good.

FATHER: See, that's still not a firm stance on any subject we've covered so far.

RABBI: I'm going to give you a FIRM punch on your stupid collar if you don't shut your fucking mouth.

FATHER: I've taken enough of your bullshit, but your thin-skinned ass can't take a little heat from a pedophile. How pathetic.

RABBI: You just called yourself a pedophile, you dumb jackass. That's the first true thing you said all day.

FATHER: I'm being sarcastic, you dumb Jew. You kept implying it.

HEATHER: Now boys, I think that's quite enough. We've gotten away from the topic a bit, but that's okay. Let's just move to our final topic. Homosexuality.

RABBI: Let him go first. He's the expert.

FATHER: You cheap lowballing piece of shit.

[The Rabbi stands up]

RABBI: Don't speak to me like that, you cock-sucker.

[The Priest stands up. The Rabbi, smiles, egging him on]

RABBI: Heather, just for the record, before I beat up this faggot, we consider it an abomination.

HEATHER: Oh, um, Father, do you consider it--

FATHER: It's a Goddamn abomination. All homosexuals shouldn't even be allowed to exist. We don't even let those pansies march in our Saint Patty's day parade.

RABBI: But you fags can fuck each other up the ass and simply go confess and continue to fuck till your assholes split like the grand canyon.

[The Priest moves towards the Rabbi. The Rabbi moves towards the Priest]

FATHER: You disgusting piece of stinky Jew shit.

RABBI: That's better than being a fucking fat and ugly Goy.

[They tackle each other and wrestle down on the floor and fall out of frame as we hear the sounds of punches]

HEATHER: That about covers it for today's show. (flinches) I would like to thank Rabbi Moishe and Father O'Reilly for their... (flinches and speaks louder) ... very passionate discussion today. Until next time, I'm heather Sunlight... (flinches, yells) ... and thanks for watching "Religion In Your Face."

We hear the sounds of a religiously incorrect wrestling match in the background]

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