The Tony And Shlomoh Show

Summer, 2005

This Skit will be taped and aired Summer, 2005

Women In The Bible

Shlo: I's time for our bible study. You know what we said we were going to discuss tonight.

Tony: [Leafing through Playboy.] Yeah. The women in the Bible. Speaking about that, have you seen this latest Playboy with all these naked babes? Great boobs! Look at this one - great ASS!

Shlo: [looks and nods] You know, this magazine can help alleviate the tedium that I usually have to deal with on Shabbos. Can I have it after you're finished?

Tony: Sure, I'll make sure not to make a mess on it.

Shlo: Thanks for being a good friend, Tony.

Tony: Don't mention it. I know you'd do the same for me. So there are a lot of females

mentioned in the bible. I think we should discuss them for females a change. Shlo: But they're all covered up from head to toe in burlap or something, except Salome. Now there was a woman who could really dance.

Tony: The word is burka, not burlap.

Shlo: Now Delilah! She was sexy too. She turned poor Samson into a pussy just because she gave mim a haircut.

Tony: How could a man lose his strength by having his hair cut?

Shlo: Easy. Delilah was a hairdresser and each time she cut his hair she also gave him a happy ending. By the time she was finished with him, he lost it.

Tony: As a Catholic, I'm inspired by Magdalene Mary. Now there was a hot woman.

Shlo: Funny you should mention her. Did saint Joseph really believe Mary's story. Don't they call it the immaculate deception?

Tony: Shlo! That's Virgin Mary, and its immaculate conception, not deception.Hey what about Eve? She was the very first woman.

Shlo: Which means she was also the first one to engage in fornication.

Tony: Wonder if she had big hooters? I heard she went swimming one day and all the fish caught her odor and God couldn't get the smell out of them.

Shlo: See, that's God's fault. If He had time to make a couple of bathing suits, none of that would've happened.

Tony: Yeah, well at least the problem has been alleviated in recent years. Thank God for those "feminine products". They really do the trick.

Shlo: But what about back then? There was nothing of that sort of thing.That must've been terrible for Adam. Tony: I don't think Adam had it too bad. Putting up with smell is better than developing sore wrists.

Shlo: Right. And better than developing hair on his palms or going blind.

Tony: Since they were the first two human beings, they wouldn't know anything about marriage or divorce.

Shlo: When there's only two people, and you get divorced, who are you going to go out with anyway?

Tony: We Catholics are not supposed to get divorced. [smirks]

Shlo: Well Adam and Eve were running around nude except for fig leaves,which don't cover a whole lot.

Tony: Cover a hole lot? Yeah, come to think of it, they had a couple of holes to cover. I don't think they were Catholic. I never saw any picture of them with beads. Maybe they were Jewish.

Shlo: I wonder if Adam was circumcised. I don't think so. There was no MOHEL around to cut him.

Tony: Well there was no preacher or priest around either to marry them,and we all come from them. That means we come from two ancestors who had us all born out of wedlock.

Shlo: Are you calling us what I think you're calling us?

Tony: Yeah. So don't take it personal if someone calls you a bastard. Tell him it takes one to spot one. [smirks]

Shlo: Hey. What about Lot's wife. Remember her?

Tony: Yeah! Those two cities, Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by a heavenly nuclear blast. Then Lot's wife turns around and gets turned into a pillar of salt. All the broads who are salty bitches come from her.

Shlo: I heard that Sodom was Sin City and Lot's wife, became salty because she had entertained too many sailors.

Tony: [laughs] Oh yeah. Those were sinful cities. Everyone was fornicating with everyone else.

Shlo: Yeah. Even Lot fornicated after a while with his own daughters.

Tony: Well the Sodomites wouldn't let him fornicate with other women.

Shlo: Oh yeah. Weren't the men there light in the loafers, I mean, sandals?

Tony: Yeah. They all wound up in purgatory.

Shlo: Well I guess God destroyed them because He couldn't find ten virgins there. Anyway, what need would there be for virgins in Sodom and Gomorrah?

Tony: None. Tell you the truth, I don't think virgins are needed anywhere.

Shlo: Oh! Right!

Tony: Remember that hooker that Jesus saved from the rock throwing crowd?

Shlo: Yeah. She was lucky that he was just a stone's throw away.

Tony: [laughs] I wonder if Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married or were lovers?

Shlo: I don't know. The Moishevicki Code never really made that clear. We do know that she worked in Jesus' deli and took the meat in the back.

Tony: Right! Hey! Remember Jezebel?

Shlo: Sure. The Bible says the dogs in the street ate her.

Tony: Hmm. Wonder if she used peanut butter.

Shlo: Tony, maybe we shouldn't look at girly magazines. All these biblical women were holy; they are part of our heritage.

Tony: Yeah. They were holey alright. But hey. There's more to life than sex. So what did I do with that copy of Playboy?

Shlo: It's right here. [Picks up Playboy]

Tony and Shlo: [whispering] Dig the rack on that one. Yeah, and the ass.

[voice speaking out off camera] OK you two. It's time to say good night.

[Tony and Shlo keep looking at the magazine]

Shlo: Oh right. Good night, Tony.

Tony: Yeah yeah. Good night Shlo.

[We hear them continue making sexual references even after the fade to black.]


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