A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time."
A LESSON IN MARKETING
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country, this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing ."
THE ENGLISH ARE STUFFY
On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."
ENOUGH JEWS?
At the US War College, a General is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential
problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first
question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"
"Yes, gentlemen, it looks like you will," answers the General.
"And who will be our enemy, General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is attentive, and finally one officer asks,
"But General, we are 2 8 0 million people and they are about 1 .5 billion.
How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the General, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the
Middle east, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs,
and the Jews have been victorious every time."
"But sir," asks the inquisitive officer, "Do we have enough Jews?
WHY WORRY?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing ?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
SO NOW WE KNOW
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
LITTLE TONY TEACHES HISTORY
It was the first day of school and a new student named Little Tony entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Tony, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Little Tony. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Little Tony.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Little Tony, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Little Tony put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Little Tony says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Little Tony jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."
Little Tony frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked!"
And Little Tony said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq,2005."
THE SENSITIVE GUY
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a bottom shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes .... After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?
The guy says "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
HASHKAFA (PHILOSOPHY)
The Ten Criticisms passed down by the NPOJHARTHA:
1) There is only one diety, but His judgement is suspect since we are not
sure where He received His Smicha
2) Always start a conversation involving gossip with, "I really shouldn't
say this Lashon Hara, but..."
3) Always wash. Never Bench.
4) Always leave Shul 18 minutes before your guests, in order to turn on the
blech
5) Thou shalt know all the sports scores in Shul, but never reveal your sources
6) Shush people in Shul who distract you when you are talking about the stock
market
7) NEVER covet another man's wife... but ALWAYS check out her cleavage
8) Confiscate your friend's non-kosher skittles, then eat them in the hallway
9) If your wife or girlfriend is not putting out, dump her and start dating
a rabbi's daughter
10) Thou shalt not covet the freedoms of the Reform and Conservative
movements (though you believe in exactly the same things they do, you feel
superior)
From: http://www.geocities.com/npoj8/
MUSLIM COMEDY
(Jokes from Muslim stand-up comic Goffaq Yussef.
Good evening gentlemen, and get out, ladies.
What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!
How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb?
None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!
Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians"?
It bombed!
What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty!
Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity!
Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!
Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!
On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the
bathroom the entire time.
There was a sign on the door that said, "Occupied."
A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police.
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said. "I didn't say I wanted to
blow myself up so I could sleep with 72 virgins. All I said was, 'I'm dying
to get laid!"
What does the sign say above the nursery in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."
Palestinian girl says to her mommy:
"After Abdul blows himself up, can I have his room?"
DEATHBED CONFESSION
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison do its work."
WHICH BROCHE TO SAY?
Moishe and Shloime get on a subway. Moishe takes out an egg and starts to say a BROCHE, "boray pree ha-eyts".
"What's the matter with you?", says Shloime. "That's not the BROCHE you say on an egg."
"So, Mr TALMID CHACHEM, tell me", says Moishe, "What BROCHE do YOU say over an egg?"
Says Shloime, "I say boray pree ha-adama."
"You're crazy", says Moishe. "No, YOU'RE crazy", says Moishe.
They start a big argument when they notice that a CHASID has gotten on the subway. They rush over to him and say, "Excuse us, rebbe. Here is a big MACHLOKES. Can you help us?"
"What is the MACHLOKES?", says the CHASID.
Moishe says, "Look here, rebbe. You see this egg? Well I say that on this egg, one should say, boray pree ha-eyts. This MESHUGGENER says one should say boray pree ha-adama. Well tell us, rebbe; which BROCHE would YOU say on this egg?"
The CHASID looks at the egg and says, "Well, B'EMES. On THIS egg I would say SHEHECHIYANU."
"What do you mean SHEHECHIYANU, rebbe?", asks Moishe.
"Well", says the CHASID, "Surely you know that when one is confronted with a CHIDUSH, one says SHEHECHIYANU."
"Sure", says Moishe, "But where is the CHIDUSH?"
"Well", says the CHASID. "The CHIDUSH is like this. Many times in my life I have already seen one SHMUCK with two BAYTSIM. Today, for the first time, I see KAPOYER!"
THE LITTLE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick,
and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out...heaven knows where to. More Stress!
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?"
And this my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
THE MEANING OF A STOP SIGN
Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you apply exegesis to the stop sign.
A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (i.e., he knocks it over with his car), thus ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and then waits for it to tell him to go.
A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean either:
something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing;or
a location where a train or bus lets off passengers.
The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
An Orthodox Jew does one of two things:
Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the halachah, or
Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.
Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God."
R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites,the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." But R. Yehoshua says: ... (continues for three more pages...)
A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the same thing as an Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
A Breslover Hasidic Jew sees the sign and makes hisboddidus (a form of spontaneous personal prayer) saying: "Robono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] -- here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal -- even if the car rolls backward for a moment -- then he hits the gas pedal and forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara [evil inclination] might put in his path.
A Lubovitcher Hasidic Jew stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings. (In former times he would have used his cell phone to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe personally for advice, but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe rest in peace.) Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah mobile [outreach booth], taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the sign whether or not they have put on tefillin today [male ritual] or whether they light Shabbos candles [female ritual]. Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moschiach [the Jewish Messiah] comes.
A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while contemplating the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During this internal process he edges into the intersection and is hit from behind by a car driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign completely.
A Conservative Jew reacts by calling his rabbi and asking him whether stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's answer he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.
A Reconstructionist Jew, seeing the stop sign, might say: First, this sign is part of our evolving civilization and therefore I must honor it and stop. On the other hand, since its origins are in the past, I must assert that "the past has a vote and not a veto," and therefore I must study the issue carefully and decide if the argument "to stop" is spiritually, intellectually and culturally compelling enough to convince me to stop. If yes, I will vote with the past. If not, I will veto it. Finally, is there any way that I can re-value or transvalue the stop sign's message for our own time?
The Renewal-Movement-Jew meditates on whether the STOP sign applies in all kabbalistic Four Worlds [Body-Emotion- Mind-Spirit] or only in some of them, and if so which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being? driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this question, he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem. [Praise G-d.]
A scholar from the Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however: the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the authorfor the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
A feminist scholar notes that all commentary refers to "he" and concludes she is thus exempt, so she runs the sign and is killed.
A radical feminist, observing what happened to the first feminist, concludes this is a misogynist plot to get all feminists killed by inciting them to run stop signs. So she gets out of the car and stages a protest against the inherent sexism in all traffic signs.
An observant Orthodox Jewish woman concludes that she is not allowed to observe the mitzvah [commandment] of stopping because she is niddah [menstruant]. This is a dilemma, because the stop sign is located on the way to the mikvah [ritual purification pool]. She refers the dilemma to all the Rabbinical scholars, who shrug.
A feminist Jewish woman sees this as a sign from the Shekhinah [feminine aspect of G-d) that translates roughly "enough already...."
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A MAN WALKS INTO SHUL WITH A DOG
A man walks into shul with a St Bernard dog. The shammas comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, "What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog." And the shammas looks carefully and sees the St. Bernard open
After services are over the shammas comes up to the man and says, "Sir. You have a "You speak to him!" says the man, "He wants to be a dentist!." |  |
A MISUNDERSTANDING
A patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrass! ment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look
and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir."
The man struggles to pull off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very,
very closely...
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
DALLAS AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
DallasATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--
You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R --Allah be Praised !!"
DallasATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711--
You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
IranAir: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R.- -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
DallasATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- ya hear?"
TEACHING HER A LESSON
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"
I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her
FIVE SURGEONS
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong ... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and ass are interchangeable."
WHO IS IT?
George Bush meets with the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your Majesty, that would be me."
"Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vice President, the same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me?
Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!"
Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
CONVERTING A BEAR
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone commented that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, bandaged, on crutches, his arm in a sling, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and said, ‘Holy Mary Mother of God,’ and the bear became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, plus an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another, and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
Rabbi Goldfarb looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start!”
HAWAII
A young woman in New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the East River.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Hawaii in the morning,and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Hawaii, and he's screwing me."
He certainly is," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry!!!!!"
THE OLD ITALIAN
-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson".
It's wonderful!! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this might be the wrong place for you, you being Italian & all".
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile. "There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old, he hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'".
"And there's a physician here -- 90 years old, he hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'"!!
"Also a Federal Judge, retired for over 30 years, is still addressed as 'Your Honour'".
"And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the fucking Italian"!!!!!
ARCHEOLOGICAL FIND IN ISRAEL
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols, in this order of appearance:
A woman - A donkey - A shovel - A fish - and the Star of David.
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least three thousand years old.They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that the race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
"The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence was in the fish, which means that if a famine had hit the earth, whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. "The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of he room and
said:
"Idiots! Hebrew reads from right to left. It says: 'Holy Mackerel,
Dig the Ass on that Woman!' "
KOSHER MUSIC MIX
A nouveau observant/BT young couple ask their rabbi if listening to a song by British rock band Cream is permissible after listening to a song by American rock singer Meatloaf. His answer was yes but they would have to wait six hours between listening to a Meatloaf song and a Cream song. First they would have to play the Cream song before the Meatloaf song. Of course, they should rinse out their ears in between the milchig and the fleischig songs.
CATSKILL HUMOR
If you have heard ever heard the great Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, such as Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others, one wonders why the need for some of the "comodians" [misspelling intentional] of today....
"There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night. I finally had to let her out!"
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
"I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!"
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."
"My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried."
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
"My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
"She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."
"The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months."
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton" spelled backward is "Not Now."
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish American Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
A man calls his mother in Florida and asks, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother, "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.
*
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to
the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spooky.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me . "
12 The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
SENIOR MOMENTS
[SERENITY OR SeNILITY?]
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blacko uts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty', he replied.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
NAPOLEON'S WIFE
A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his
right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office
and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that
couch and tell me your problem."
"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact,
as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want:
money, women, power -- everything! But I'm afraid my wife,
Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient.
"And what seems to be her main problem?"
"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man,
"she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
THE CABBIE AND THE NUN
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as longas I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm surethat there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that;
first1, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get backon the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
He answered, "Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I mus tconfess that I'm married and I'm Jewish.
"The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
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