December 14th, 1989.
Dearest John -
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprised.
With deepest love & affection,
Agnes
December 15th, 1989.
Dearest John -
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift They are just adorable. Two turtle
doves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16th, 1989.
Dear John -
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are darling
but I must insist you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17th, 1989.
Dear John -
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18th, 1989.
Dear John -
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one
for every finger. You're just impossible but I love it. Frankly all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19th, 1989.
Dear John -
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my
front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese
are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20th, 1989.
John -
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans a-swimming.
What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the
house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny so stop with the fucking
birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21st, 1989.
O.K. Buster -
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and
eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows.
There is cow shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own
house. Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
December 22nd, 1989.
Hey Shithead -
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing, and Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stomping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to
evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
December 23rd, 1989.
You rotten prick -
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to show
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
December 24th, 1989.
Listen Fuckhead -
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies?
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25th, 1989.
Dear Sir -
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling,
which you have seen fit to inflict on my client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction of course was total. All future
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt
to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants
have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please
find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Banter and Cajole
Law Offices
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A JEWISH REDNECK
You think a Hora is a high priced call girl.
You light your Shabbat candles with your cigarette.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your yarmulke.
Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
You think "KKK" is a symbol for really kosher.
You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish law.
You don't ride on Shabbat because your car is up on blocks.
When someone shouts L'chaim you respond L'howdy.
You are saving a bottle of Mogen David wine for some special occasion.
IMMIGRATING TO ISRAEL
A Soviet Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel.
The local commissar calls him in for questioning and asks:
Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your Synagogue? A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Jews?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?
A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children Torah? A. Can't complain.
Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession? A. Can't complain.
Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel? He replies, "There, I can complain!"
OH NO! DONT'T TELL HIM!
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
MAN BUYS CONDOMS
Man: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Man: "NAH"... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY.....!!
NAKED MAN
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" she asked. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"